One Tough Week

Tough week on my wife. She didn't like reading some of the online comments attached to the Star Tribune article that came out yesterday.  Didn't phase me though... guess I'm used to the critics.

Jon Tevlin, a columnist for the paper, sent me an email and left me a voice mail that he was planning on writing about the Sunday incident. He had had an irate friend tip him off to the story and thought it would be good news to cover. Some of his fellow reporters at the Trib somehow knew of me and said I was a nice guy, so Jon contacted me to get my take. I have a lot of respect for him reaching out to me as the article could have been a MA-ssacre.

Here is the story.

A moment of truth plays out on soccer field

Star Tribune Article, 5/20/09

It was a fierce battle, played Sunday under searing blue skies in front of scores of proud parents from Woodbury, Edina, Minnetrista and Blaine. But what started as a teen soccer game ended as a kind of morality play in shorts and spikes that has put a coach's job on the line and parents questioning the coach's, and their own, ethical decisions.

The scene: Minnesota Thunder's 12-and-under girls soccer club, playing above their level, fought to a gutsy 1-1 tie through two overtime periods against the favored 13-and-under team from the same club. That set the stage for a dramatic penalty shootout. The winner would go on toward the state cup, and likely, the regional tournament.

The back story: Last year, the team that is now called the Thunder was upset by a younger team that went on to get clobbered in state tournaments.

The coach involved in that game and Sunday's game was the same guy, Mark Abboud. At the time, he vowed not to let it happen again, and even warned parents that in the unlikely event that the 12-year-olds tied the favored team, he'd let the older team move forward. No one objected.

Even the "12s" knew they were supposed to lose. But you know kids. Instead of giving a half-hearted performance, they played like champions for 90 minutes.

That's when what they call a teaching moment happened.

Abboud told his girls that the "classy" thing would be to "roll the ball" nicely to the goalkeeper, virtually ensuring the "better team" moved on. The girls were shocked, but followed orders.

When it was over, they "sobbed so hard they were shaking," according to one parent.

Now, Abboud's actions are being investigated, and some are calling for his job. Others blame themselves for underestimating their kids, teaching them all the wrong lessons and trying to protect them from inevitable, painful tournament losses.

It's Minnesota youth sports' existential moment.

One parent, who requested anonymity, said Abboud is a great coach, "but this was morally wrong. He told them to go against everything they've ever learned about competition and sportsmanship. He might as well have told them to rob a bank."

So who is this heartless coach who denied his feisty team an upset? Probably the most contrite man in Minnesota.

"Within one minute of the game I knew it was a mistake," said Abboud, who played pro soccer in the United States and Europe. "It was an absurdly idiotic decision that at the time I thought was in the best interest of the team. My girls were distraught, my parents were irate."

In his team blog, Abboud wrote that he will never forget watching a star player take a weak kick at the goal and walk off in shame. "The silence was deafening. I felt the sun on my face, brushed a tick off my lower leg, and listened to the highway traffic on I-94," he said. "I felt sick to my stomach.

"I'm actually excited you are doing a story," Abboud said Tuesday. "I won't try to justify anything. I hope if my girls learned anything, it's that everyone is human, everyone makes a mistake. I hope they do not judge me by one act."

Yet, Abboud said if he is reprimanded by the league or fired, he'll understand completely. "Maybe that's a sign I should try something else after 15 years."

The kids, as you might guess, are fine. An optional training Monday night was attended by 13 of 16 members. They had a ball.

While some parents remain angry, others are questioning themselves.

"I told my daughter [Britney] that Mark Abboud didn't put you in this situation, I did," said Loren Monteon, a parent. Getting clobbered by bigger players at state "is not my idea of a fun tournament experience," he said. "Mark made my daughter the athlete she is. If he's not there, she's not going to be there."

On the way to the game, Scott Barlow discussed the possibility of a loss with his daughter, a team star. "I said 'Anna, go out there and ruin their plans.' "

She scored the lone goal and played ferociously. But still, "I'm not sure what Mark did was wrong," Barlow said. "I know as a coach, you make six thousand right decisions and one wrong one. The kids love Mark."

Sports are about winning, certainly, but also about loss. The best don't always win, and sometimes the underdog comes through; there are lessons in that too.

The great moments in sports, and life, don't usually come from the expected. They are about Ali vs. Foreman, Kirby Puckett and "see you tomorrow night." They are about horses named Mine That Bird coming from last to first against 50-1 odds.

Just maybe, they are also about a bunch of 12-year-olds winning the state cup above their level, but now we'll never know.

"I failed my daughter for not thinking this through," said Colleen Heslin. "I had the option to say, 'Mark, let's rethink this.' His intentions were pure and honest, but misguided. As I sat on the bench and watched them play their hearts out, I thought, 'My God, how did I just let this happen?'"

Since Sunday, Heslin said, "I've been thinking, which message is right: Win at all costs, or work toward the better good of the club, or is it even the better good? I don't know. With all these soccer moms and hockey dads, are we too caught up in it, this competition?

"After all," said Heslin. "This is 12-year-old soccer we are talking about."

* * * * *

Many people have told me that in tough times, one's true character is shown. I'm not sure how I feel about that because I'm pretty sure this is a tough time and I'm pretty sure I look like a complete donkey to most people right now.

What I do know however is that when you make a mistake that most call immoral and which has grave repercussions, you find your friends. And I'm not talking acquaintances. I'm talking friends. People who care about you and your well being.

Some friends you've known all along would be there. These are your Category I Friends. Whether your friendship has spanned decades or it has bloomed into some semblance of maturity recently in a surprisingly short amount to time, these friends know exactly how much to say, or not to say. Most of these friends make appearances in your life within the first few days from any given incident, or within a few days of that incident going public. They may offer support, compassion, understanding, or be in brutal disagreement with what you've done, but it all shows they care.

Some friends you're surprised have mysteriously disappeared or have distanced themselves to avoid any guilt by association. These I put in Category II. Maybe they haven't heard about anything yet. That can't be possible. These are the friends that come tip-toeing back into your life, carefully avoiding all the crap from the fan, though it's all hard and no longer poses much of a shoe-dirtying threat. They'll give you the wry grins and the pats on the back, expressing their sympathy and claiming they were thinking about you in your troubled times and thought about calling more than once. Those friends will continue to be friends, but there will always be something missing from your relationship with them now and likely for many years down the road until the somehow prove they are worth of being Category I Friends.

Best of all though are the Category III Friends, the friends you had no idea you had. Their outreach to you is usually very honest and blunt, usually agreeing that you're at fault for something, but expressing words of wisdom and encouragement. Just that they took the time to voice their thoughts to you is amazing. Their interest in reaching out, reaching out during a touchy situation when they have no idea how you'll react to them reaching out, that demonstrate that many people are or have been greatly affected by your actions in the past. It's their support that allow you to realize that your mistake won't define you. Your past work has already done that. Your mistake is a small crack in their perception of you, and your response to your mistake only helps to re-solidify you as a good human being in their eyes. Everyone needs the Category I Friends to help keep them on their feet. It's the Category III Friends that help you start walking forward.

Rebuilding

Got to the game field in Woodbury around 7:20. I was scheduled to meet with the girls at 7:30PM. The plan was to talk to them as a full group (we were missing some players yesterday), and then talk to some of the girls individually prior to the 8:30PM game.

The MTA Executive Board was convening at 9PM in St Paul to discuss the situation and come to a consensus on disciplinary actions. I wanted to be able to address all of them directly, but everyone was supportive of me needing to be with the team at the game tonight. In speaking with one of the members this afternoon, it was decided that I'd be conferenced in around 9:20PM to say anything that I had to say. I prepped my team via an email that if they saw me on the phone early in the second half, they'd know that I was taking an important call.

All the girls were there on time save for Bam Bam. Her mom emailed me earlier to inform me that Bam Bam had been in for xrays and her arm was fractured. Bummer, but I had an inclination that it might be the case. The girl would tackle a mack truck if it had the ball and is absolutely fearless in her aggression on the field. Just that she asked to come out of the game on Sunday should have been enough indication that something was really wrong. When the tournament medic told me Bam Bam had a lot of pain, knowing her high pain threshold, there was definitely something wrong.

My talk with them went well, though it was all over the board. I had set points that I wanted to address and believe I hit all of them, but many of the girls had questions after every sentence I completed, and those questions led to other questions by other girls, sometimes follow up questions not even remotely related to the initial sentence I had completed or to the idea I was trying to get across. It was like corralling 15 cats to keep the girls on topic, but I think my main points got across.

In no particular order...

1. I made a decision that I believed was a good one at the time
2. I now know it was not the right decision
3. I apologized to them for taking the outcome of the game out of their (the players) hands, players who had worked their butts off for 90 minutes competing with a team that most people said they couldn't compete with.
4. I apologized to them for robbing them of a tremendous victory or a memorable, but genuine defeat
5. I apologized to the four girls (Babes, Quicksy, Mal, and Vivi) for making them step up and look foolish in front of hundreds of people when they rolled their kicks to the U13 GK
6. I apologized to Normy (GK) for making her feel alone as the only girl supposed to being trying
7. I apologized for using th "b" word in frustration after the game
8. I apologized to them for risking the loss of their coach due to possible sanctions by the club or state organization
9. I apologized for putting the well being of the club in front of the well being of the girls and in front of the well being of the game itself.

I'd like to think these points sank in.

I also talked to them about the importance of accepting responsibility for your own actions, and how this acknowledgment and acceptance can make you feel very good about yourself, better than you've almost ever felt, and allow you to walk with your head held high even after you've made a poor choice. 

I told them I may lose my job as an MTA Director, or MTA or the state soccer association my pull me from coaching this team.  I saw Phi Phi get teary-eyed at this.  Man, breaks my heart.  But because I've come to peace with my actions and taken responsibility for them, it makes living with any coming punishment extremely bearable.

I tell the girls all the time about their play on the field - You're going to make mistakes.  Everyone does.  I don't care about the mistakes.  I care about how you react after the mistakes.  They threw that back in my face.  Wow.  They actually do listen to me sometimes when I'm talking.

Lastly, I talked about honoring th game itself and the spirit of competition.  I've been involved with this sport for 31 years.  "31 years?!?!  You're ooollllldddddd!"  I know.  Thanks Gizmo.

Much of this is from the Positive Coaching Alliance stuff that I've read. 

Soccer has a deep rooted history full of tradition and it's the most widely played sport in the entire world.  The game is bigger than us, bigger than our team, bigger than our club.  We need to honor the game, and part of honoring the game is honoring our opponents.  We honor our opponents by playing our hardest and trying to win the game fairly.  In this way, our opponents are assured of getting our best game, and assured of being challenged to give their best.

My decision didn't honor the spirit of the game, nor do any justice to our opponents. 

All in all, very positive talk.  Some of the girls were very emotional, others seemed completely fine and oblivious to it all.  I've said it before, this experience will make us a stronger team unit down the road.

* * * * *

League Game #1 vs Sibley Sting

As you can imagine, I wasn't too focused on the game itself tonight, but I did think it was crucial that they girls had a positive soccer experience after Sunday's game and the sobering pre-game talk tonight.

Came out in a 4-3-3 looking to press the attack.  Girls were put in some "new" positions from the start, with some girls who had seen a lot of attacking play in the last few games in the back tonight, defenders up top, wide players in the middle, central players out wide. 

Vivi played GK as she had twisted her ankle helping mom with a fundraiser yesterday.  Yes, she hurt her ankle because she didn't come to soccer practice. 

Beautiful night for some soccer.

Game started, we played in their end a lot.  9 minutes in, I heard a weird sound, and...

Perfect. 

As I scrambled to find the contact info (obviously after I scrambled to find my camera) for the city parks and rec supervisor (who has a daughter in our club), the girls from both teams took full advantage of the "unfortunate" situation.

Eventually made contact with someone and the sprinklers were turned off.  The Sibley girls had been quick to run through the spraying water with their coach, so we snapped a quick pic with both soaked teams prior to commencing the game. 

Guarantee the girls won't remember the score tonight in the coming years.  They will remember the night though.

As the ref called the girls back to the field, I pulled a few of our stronger shooters together and suggested they look for longer range shooting opportunities in the coming few minutes.  Low and hard shots will cause trouble on the wet ground.  I sat back down on the bench to tell the 5 girls there what I had just told some of our players on the field, and that they (the girls on the bench) should watch for it.

Every once in a while, a coaching point like this that I make magically comes to fruition and I look really, really intelligent in the eyes of a 12 year old.

3 minutes after the re-start of the game, it happened.  For Sibley.

A long shot from distance skipped right under a surprised Vivi and into the back of our net. 

"Like that Dorky?" came a voice from somewhere down the bench.  Yep.  Just like that.

It was just after 9PM when my phone rang.  The girls on the bench, knowing that I was going to be involved with an important phone call for a few minutes, looked worried.  Worried!

I excused myself to talk to the MTA Executive Board, and wandered away to the nearby pavilion to say my peace (or is it say my piece?). 

As I was on the phone, glanced over at the game in time to see a rocket of a shot fly into the Sibley net.  Nice.  1-1. 

Back to the bench and a few minutes later B-Money (CM) volleyed home a shot from about 16 yards out.  Nice.  Just what we worked on yesterday at training.  Another coaching moment for the girls next to me.

Half ended 2-1. 

B-Money (CM) scored on another long range strike in the first minute of the second half, and Cal (RM) took a great feed from B 2 minutes later and hammered the ball home far post from the right side of the goal. 

We continued to press with the wind at our backs, but the game ended 4-1. 

It was a good night, and I know I'll sleep better knowing that the girls are well on their way forward, and my relationships with them, instead of being weakened, will be stronger than ever.

48 Hours Out

First phone call from a supportive team parent came in yesterday morning. A few more understanding communications came in throughout the day, but I still drove to our optional practice at 7PM in St Paul wondering if I'd be there alone with a half field to myself. Still unsure about how the girls and the parents are feeling about yesterday. Would they boycott the optional training tonight in protest of my decision yesterday? After seeing how devastated their girls were, I wouldn't blame them.

Got a text from B-Money and Cal that they were coming. Well, that's at least two. Drove up to the field at McMurray to see Mickey getting out of her car and Babes already at the field. That's 4.

Girls began to filter in, each new arrival making me smile.

When all was said and done we had 13 of the 16 girls at the optional session. Gia had to babysit, Vivi was helping her mom with a fundraiser, and Meg had an undetermined conflict.

You have no idea how good it made me feel to see the girls out at training.

Some awkward moments in greeting with each girl, they obviously knew they had been part of something big, but within a few minutes things seemed to be on their way slowly back to normal.

I jumped right into the finishing session and the girls warmed up to the activities.

I brought them together in the end and told them that we'd talk tomorrow prior to the game as a group (we were missing 3 girls and Bam Bam, who was there in the beginning, took a B-Money shot off her already hurt wrist and left training early). I apologized to them about the day yesterday, told them I made a mistake, mentioned that there would likely be repercussions and that I was fully at peace to deal with them, at peace because I took responsibility for a decision that I thought was made in the best interest of the club and of the state at the time it was made.

I also apologized to them for the "b" word that slipped out yesterday, and some joked that they were only mad that I swore at them, not about the game. Now that I apologized for it, all was good.

The girls are a resilient bunch.

I left training feeling better than I had at any point since yesterday.

I believe the team is going to be fine.

* * * * *

Bigger than the team is the compromised integrity of the club, of the tournament, and of the game itself. The decision also had a negative impact on MYSA, the 13 Blues, and the 13 White and EP girls who were witness to the PKs.

I emailed out an explanation (not a justification) of my actions and an apology to the MTA Directors to forward on to the MTA coaching staff so they would all hear directly from me about what transpired, that it was my decision rather than a club mandate. [will post email later]

I sent apology emails to Tom M, Kelli D (State Cup Tournament Directors), and Candace D (MYSA Executive Director), as well as similar emails to the U13 Blue and U13 White coaches to forward out to their teams. [will post emails later]

An email also went out to the MTA Ex Board, letting them know that I was fine with whatever discipline action was needed, even if it meant termination from my role with the club. I'm content that I made the decision I did in the best interest of the club and of the state, albeit the wrong decision, and because I'm at peace with that decision I'm at peace with any repercussions that result from it. All I asked them was that they don't remove me from the girls this season and replace me with another coach. This will punish the girls further and make a bad situation worse.

Lastly, I sent an email out to Wayne Harrison, EP DOC and head coach of the U13 EP team that was playing after us and who witnessed the event. It was an explanation and an apology to his team and his team's parents, and I asked him to forward it out. Hope he does. [will post email later]

Wayne and I have some history of not seeing eye to eye on certain youth development issues, but I have the utmost respect for him as a coach and the knowledge he brings to MN soccer. He says it like it is, doesn't pull punches, and will tell me when I've made a fool of myself. He had come up to me after the PKs as I was clearing the bench, shook my hand, and asked me what the "f" I was doing. He said I had the best team of the 4 in the semis and should be going to Regionals. Part of me thinks he wanted to face the younger team in the finals if EP beat our White team, but I can't say for sure. But I knew the decision was wrong before he came up to me.

My heart is far lighter than many people think it should be at this point.

* * * * *

Continuous phone calls and emails from the parent group.  Still supportive, and now actually working to show this support to the MTA board and to the state soccer association.  Extremely flattered and humbled by it all. 

Got a phone call from the local paper.  Someone had approached one of their columnists in outrage with the incident and the writer wanted to break the story in tomorrow paper.  At least the reporter had the decency to call me first looking for my take.  I was more than happy to talk to him.  It would break this story to the non-soccer community and in all likeihood make me look like a complete donkey, but I stand firm that there are life lessons to be gleaned here for others.

We have a league game tonight at 8:30PM.  I'm asking the girls to get there at 7:30PM and plan on a final discussion about Sunday with the entire group present.  I still plan on meeting with the parent group tomorrow as well. 

Of Rationale, Responsibility, and Regret

State Cup Semifinals vs MTA 96 Elite Blue

Finally, a beautiful day for soccer! Sunny, warm, slight breeze.

Left my house at 12:30PM for the 2PM game versus our U13 Blue team. Halfway to Lakeland I went through a mental check to make sure I had everything. Sunscreen? Check. Notebook? Check. Camera? Check. Player passes? Player passes?!?!? Has anyone seen our player passes?

Vaguely remember the ref handing them to my assistant coach Mark Goulding yesterday after the game, so called up JoJo (his wife and my team manager) to verify that she had them. She didn't, and verified with her husband that he handed them to me after the ref handed them to him.

Oh crap. I've been known to space out and misplace these passes in previous years. Pulled over and took my car apart looking for them. No luck. Checked the pockets of the 3 different jackets in my car - my car is a moving closet due to our lovely MN spring weather. No luck. Called the wife at home and her and the her parents (over for the weekend) tore apart my home office. No luck.

I turned around to head home to look myself. Halfway back home, I pulled over again, knowing that I would never bring the passes inside with me. Under the seats. No luck. In my soccer bag? No luck. But I did find an old sucker. Yes!

One more time through my jacket pockets. Success! Swear I checked that pocket already.

Called my worried team manager back to put her mind at ease, and headed out to the fields. Fun start.

* * * * *

Our game was scheduled on Field #21. We'd been on #22 for all the games up until this point, and it was a decent field. Field #21 was OK, but really rough with dried dirt strips down the center of the south end of the field. We'd try to defend this side first, maybe blunting the 13's attack a bit.

Though we faced a team that was stronger than us overall, I didn't change our team formation. If this was an absolutely crucial game for us, I would have given some serious consideration to playing a more defensive 4-5-1 formation. Defend like demons, frustrate the older team, and look for a counter attack goal.

But, though the 13s are capable of lighting us up on any given day, my girls are battlers. I believed if they played up to their potential we'd give the 13s a run for their money and keep the game close.

So, I kept the girls in a 4-4-2. Our 4-3-3 would have likely left us out numbered and exposed in midfield, with three girls standing up front useless a great majority of the time as it would have been difficult for us to get them the ball.

What was the game plan? Very similar to what I said above. Defend like demons - close the ball down, pressure the older players into making hasty decisions, double team players whenever possible, and work hard to block shots and crosses. Be confident in our attack when we have the ball, show me composure on the ball, enjoy the game and the day.

I contemplated playing Meg in goal. As one of our taller girls, she had a better chance than many in stopping some long, high shots from distance. I talked to her about it right away at the fields, and to her credit, she accepted the challenge. However, after seeing her complete uncomfortability in net (she hasn't played there a lot), I realized that the game would be a complete baptism by fire for her and I couldn't put her through that.

My thought was then to put either Vivi or Em in goal. Normy is our best GK at this time, but she had played the entire Prior Lake game in goal yesterday, though I had promised to try and take her out in the second half. She loves playing on the field. I decided to talk to her anyway and leave the decision up to her. I told her that I realize she played the whole game yesterday and we were out of our GK rotation a bit, but she said she really didn't care if she played, even after I stressed that it didn't matter to me if she didn't and I'd put someone else in. She thought about it for a few seconds, then said she'd play the first half... much to Meg's relief I'm sure. I prepped Vivi and Em that one of them would go into goal in the second half.

We had Babes back today from her cruise. She had missed our last 3 State Cup games, but showed up today tan and excited to contribute. We missed her scoring punch in the last 3 games, but the 15 girls we had got the job done in group play.

We got the half we wanted to defend (the more patchy and bumpy half), and I settled down with a bag of giant sunflower seeds and a Sobe to enjoy the afternoon.

As expected, the 13s controlled much of the early going. We were pinned in our half early on, managing a foray or two into the attacking half, with no real threat at goal though.

Our defenders, usually unsung heroes and not mentioned much in my writings as I try and document our goals for my reference, deserve mention now if they ever did. Normy (GK), Mal (CB), Phi Phi (CB), Meg (RD), Cal (RD), Gizmo (LD), Quicksy (LD), Bam Bam (LD) all played well. The 13s have some real fast and skillful attackers, but our girls didn't back down an inch. There were one or two scrambles in our own box, but the fight and grit the girls showed to swarm the ball, sacrifice their bodies and fly all over the ball to block shots, and clear the danger was fantastic.

The girls in midfield (Bargsy, Bam Bam, B-Money, Babes, Quicksy, Gia, Vivi, Em, Cal, and Payt) did a terrific job overall in terms of double teaming the ball when needed and harrying the opposing midfielders and forwards.

The 13s first clear chance came 22 minutes in as the ball fell to Ruby about 10 yards from goal, just to the left of the goal. Ruby's uncontested volley was hit over the bar. Great chance that Ruby will usually take well.

The 13s created maybe one or two other quality chances, but Normy was not forced to make a tough save.

Mickey, Payt, Gia, Babes, and Vivi all saw time up top, but we failed to demonstrate enough build up to create a quality shot, let alone a quality chance of our own.

The half ended 0-0.

Halftime talk? I was proud of the girls thus far and the heart they were playing with. I talked about how we've been here a lot in the last 5 games... coming into halftime with a great half of soccer behind us, only to fade a bit in the second half. My challenge to the girls was to put a complete game together.

Tactically, I wanted to see more of the same from them. We talked about achieving our team goal of advancing out of our group in this competition. We then set two stretch goals for the second half. Could we work to get a shot off, could we find a way to score a goal.

Lastly, I asked the girls to make sure to stay tuned in on the 13s corner kicks. In the first half, the 13s had some chances to play quickly on these and catch us off guard, but the 13s could seem to see the opportunities when they arose. I know their coach Andy, and I know he would talk to them about these opportunities at halftime. I wanted to make sure we were aware and focused when the ball went out of play.

Em went into net for the second half.

Second half started out well for us. Mickey (LF) who had been strong and tough on the ball the entire first half, received the ball at midfield and turned to run at the 13 defense. Past one midfielder up the left flank, past her defender, near the endline where her cross attempt was blocked for a corner kick. Some of the girls get on Mickey for not passing the ball enough. I heard some of the girls yelling to her to release the ball on her run, but that wasn't the right thing to say. In a game when we're defending so much, our only time to rest is when we have the ball in possession. Mickey's ability to hold the ball and her explosive run up the field was valuable for us in a game like this. Moreover, she won us a set piece which we're good at :)

B-Money sent a driven corner kick in to the near post area. AJ (GK) was screened a bit due to the mass of bodies in that area, thus she bobbled the ball as she dropped to her knees to catch it at the near post. I saw a mass of light blue (13s) and white (us) shirts, as the ball pinged around, then saw Mickey who had been pushed over in the melee, swing her leg, connect with the loose ball, and drive it home.

The girls went wild, both on the bench with me and on the field. We've got to work on our goal celebrations more.

The joy was short lived however. I had just finished making the notes in my notebook and was setting it aside when I looked up to see a low hard shot being taken by one of the 13 players at the top of our box. Em made a fantastic diving save to her right to deflect the hard shot, but another 13 attacker beat our defenders to the ball to slot home the equalizer. Light blue's turn to go wild.

From a defending aspect, we continued to work to deny the 13s quality chances. They had a few corner kicks (which we were tuned in for!) and a few long, flip throw-ins in our attacking third, but could not threaten as I expected them to do.

Amazed and proud of the girls' efforts and organization on the day.

The ref blew his whistle to end regulation time. Off to 2 x 10 minutes of OT.

Not much to say during the break. I was proud of the girls' performance (I think I said that two them 20 times today) regardless of what the next 20 minutes brought. Go out, enjoy the OT, play hard, stay behind your teammates.

My thougths were a-whirl. The 13s are a better team overall than we were. They would do our club proud at Regionals if they got past either the White team or EP (game was to be played after ours). It would be better for the club and for MN to have them represent the state at the Midwest Region Championships. We were here for the experience. I was silently cheering for the 13s to score a goal. More on this later.

As the overtime progressed, my thoughts went back to my previous State Cup experience.

Back in 2004, I had the current U17 Woodbury Inferno as U12s. We were playing U13 MYSA league, thus qualified for State Cup competition that year. We drew the Bangu Tsunami Stars in our group and got hammered 8-0. We advanced as a wild card and came up against the Wings U13 team in the semifinals. After regulation and OT ended 0-0, we eventually lost in PKs as our 5th shooter (after we made the first 4) hit the post.

In 2006, I had the current U15 MTA 94 Elite Blues as U12s in the same situation - playing U13 league as a U12 team and competing in the U13 State Cup. We didn't advance out of group play that year.

In both instances, the idea was to get the U12s familiar with the State Cup event in order to feel more comfortable in following years when it really counted - as we looked to represent the state as true U13s. It's the same idea as MYSA's ODP program has. Get players comfortable with the out of state ODP camp at the youngest age groups so that the players can perform better in later years in a no-longer-new environment.

In both instances, the teams went on to represent the State at Regionals as U13s. The Inferno have been the state reps for 4 years straight, the MTA group for 2. Both look poised to continue their streaks this year as well.

In 2003, the Bangu Tsunami Stars won the U13 State Cup as U12s and moved on to Regionals playing a year up. I think they were actually competitive there as well.

Last year, the Bangu Tsunami 12s beat the Bangu Tsunami 13s in PKs in the MN State Cup final to advance to Regionals, only to get hammered in all 3 games.

I did not want to put my 12s through that Regional experience. Oh, we might have done OK had we drawn 13 teams from ND, SD, or IA. But put us in a group with most other RII states and we'd be asking a lot for the 12s to be competitive.

That 12 v 13 final last year was played back to back with the U14 final; a final that saw my girls go to PKs against our White team. I remember talking to Andy (the U12 coach) after that game, saying that I wish I would have been with him (and not engrossed in my own game) as I would have likely encouraged him to have his players pass the ball to the GK for their PKs and send the true U13s to Regionals.

I remember discussions with my own team's parents last year after that, and again this year in parent meetings regarding this very subject. When I gave them my yearly plan for the team, a plan that included State Cup participation, some of them asked (knowing what I had said about Andy's 12s last year) if we were going into the State Cup tournament only to throw an eventual deciding match to our 13 Blue team if we got there. I said last fall and again in an early winter parent meeting that if it came down to a controllable moment, I would probably find a way to let the 13s go through over our team.

On the flip side of things, it would be fantastic for me to add another success notch onto my coaching belt if we do happen to pull this game off. If we did AND managed to make it through past our White team or EP in the final, what a benefit it would be to my Skillzys® company to have this group of girls be a tangible testament to the company philosophy. It would be another successful chapter in the book I know I'm going to write about my youth soccer coaching experience.

But helping send the state's most competitive U13 team to represent Minnesota (if they got by the final) was more important to me at that time.

All this ran through my head during the OT period when I wasn't shouting out encouragement and instruction to the players. Part of me was still coaching the girls to play better and eek out a win, part of me was hoping the 13s scored. If we were able to take the game to PKs, I would give the game to the 13s.

And to make a long post longer, like some sick story, that is exactly what came to be, though there was a legit PK call against us in the dying seconds of the second OT that the ref should have blown. Man, that would have been a Godsend as things turned out if the 13s got that call and converted the spot kick to avoid heading into PKs.

Final whistle indicating the end of OT and on to PKs. I walked out to the middle of the field and brought the girls in. Some of the 13s were jumping around hugging each other because the game was going into PKs and they have done very well in situations like this prior. To me it was more of a show though. Many of their eyes told me that they were not as sure about things as their outward expressions lent to. My girls were giggling nervously and smiling and I remember the intense feeling the day was in our grasp.

I told them I was so proud of their efforts, but I wanted them to step up and pass the ball to the U13 GK when it was their turn to shoot. Shocked looks and gasps of "What?!?!" greeted that instruction. I tried to explain that we were here for the experience, an experience that we earned and would benefit from, and now we were going to let the 13s move on to the final against either the Whites or EP.

I asked the girls who wanted to take the kicks, and nine hands went up. They were all a little nervous, but giggling. I picked 5 at random, turned my back and walked over to the bench to sit down. Payt (dead tired after giving it her all on the field) saw the 5 shooters and made a comment like "You are letting so-and-so shoot?!?!? Not so-and-so?!?!?" I told the girls on the bench what was happening, and the utter dismay (especially in Payt's eyes) was heart breaking.

It's nearly 20 hours later and it's all a blur.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach. Pissed off that we were in this situation, pissed off that the 13s couldn't find a way to beat us, pissed off that I even wanted the 13s to beat us, pissed off at betraying my girls (I'm sure that's how some of them saw this) who had played their butts off for 90 minutes.

I think Babes stepped up first for us. Apparently there was a coin toss that I missed and we were going to shoot first. She passed the ball to a surely surprised AJ in goal and turned back to jog sheepishly back to her waiting teammates. There were a lot of people around the field. The next semifinal was scheduled to kick off right after ours and others were there to take in the game.

The silence was deafening. I felt the sun on my face, brushed a tic off my lower leg, and listened to the highway traffic on I94. I don't think I'll forget that moment for a long time.  I knew I had spent the last year talking myself into a huge mistake.

The first 13 stepped up and Normy (back in goal for the PKs) made a save. At that moment I gave serious contemplation to yelling out for the girls to go for goal, but I didn't. Someone stepped up for us and rolled the ball to AJ again. If people didn't know what was going on after Babes, our most powerful shooter, happened to somehow be so nervous that her shot barely managed to reach the goal on our first try, they knew what was going on now. The silence got silenter, though broke by a smattering of cheers from a few 13 girls who, caught up in the moment and with no idea what was going on, somehow couldn't contain their glee at their good fortune of having our first two shooters "miss".

I think the 13s scored on their second shot, we passed in our third, they hit the crossbar on their third, we passed in our fourth, they scored to end the game.

The 13s were celebratory, not helping the negative feelings many, if not all the 12s were feeling. But I couldn't blame them. I made a choice, my girls followed the lead of their coach and did what I asked them to do, now I'd need to deal with the consequences of my actions.

It was an obvious roller coaster for the girls. Fighting through a hard game, knowing that they were exceeding even the loftiest of our collective expectations, only to be asked to bow out at the end. I couldn't expect them to understand. Heck, I wasn't sure I even understood everything. I did what I did with the thought of our club and MN soccer, but didn't even come close to gauging the reactions of my own players. But I had talked myself into this decision for a year, and felt that I'd stick to my guns.

I kept the girls around for a good deal of time after the game to try and explain my reasoning. I think the group on the field after OT was in shock when I told them about what I wanted to do, but now the reality was sinking in.

Girls share a collective brain sometimes. I'll ask a question at training and they'll all answer same ridiculous answer. Same sort of thing happened in our team talk after the game. Seemed like things were OK, still needed addressing but players seemed OK, then I started talking to them in a group and one girl became teary-eyed. Next second, 12 girls are shedding tears, some pulling their headgear down over their eyes in apparent despair.

I tried to stress that the way the game ended should in no way take away from the performance the team showed in the 90 minutes prior. That fell on deaf ears, understandably. Some of the girls questioned if another team would do the same for us next year if we were in a similar position, some girls commented that even though we played hard, the 13s were a better team. That was countered by comments that the game should have decided which team was better on the day. That struck home.

What did I just do? I took the decision out of the girls' hands and dictated a controllable ending to a match against the spirit of competition and of the game itself. Albeit I still stand behind the rationale used in this case, I'm thinking again it was not the right way to deal with the situation. It would have been helpful to have a club coach or director around to bounce this idea off of prior to acting it out.

I'm not sure how long we sat there and talked. Felt like an hour though it was probably like 20 minutes. I just couldn't get through to some of the girls and it was breaking my heart. The look of disappointment and betrayal that some of them held in their eyes was crushing to me. I was so frustrated with the whole thing that I accidentally said "Some of you are going to be poutty and b-i-t-c-h-y to me because of this, but I hope you understand my thought process." I've never used that language with a youth team before, though I'm sure they've heard far worse. The b-word broke the ice, eliciting chuckles from almost every girl, but I still regretted the slip. And regret was already building about other things.

Looking at it now, we should have played the game out. Not saying we would have won, regardless of my positive feelings towards the shootout, but in the spirit of the game and of the competition. If we had won, the 13s would have learned some life lessons in defeat. I thought I was thinking bigger picture, but I should have been thinking even bigger picture.

Though many other MTA coaches and directors were supportive later that afternoon to my face, we'll see what the next days bring. I thought it was the right decision to make at the time (and for the entire last year), I take full responsibility for any repercussions, and through this writing that is always insightful and constructive to me, I'm starting to regret the choice.

* * * * *

Headed home to hug my daughter. In a daze most of the night. Didn't feel much like eating. Sent an email to my parent group, don't know how it was received:

Guys,

Just some thoughts about today.

It was my decision to have the girls "tank" the PKs today, not the clubs. It broke my heart to see some of the reactions this brought out in the girls and I'm sorry to have put them through it. It's been bugging me since the game and will continue to gnaw at me for a long time down the road.

To me, State Cup is about sending the best team at our age group to represent our state at Regionals. Taking nothing away from our girls, my belief is that the 13s would do a better at this than our group would in June.

The girls put together a valiant performance today. I was so proud of their efforts on the field, and I believe the girls knew they had played up to and beyond anyone's expectations. I didn't play to lose the game. I didn't sit back and have our girls in a defensive formation and I rotated players in relatively "normal" positions, positions in which I feel they help the team the most. If we beat the 13s in regulation or OT, we would beat them in the field of play and move on. When we got to PKs, I made a choice at a controllable moment to bow the team out.

I tried to stress to the girls that what happened at the end of the game shouldn't erase or negate their performance of the 90 minutes prior. However, understandably this fell on some deaf ears following the game.

I've said all along that we are in the MN State Cup for experience this year. Some might think that the experience the team may have gotten at Regionals would have been beneficial as well, but I don't think the benefit to our team would have outweighed the benefit to our club and our State if the true 13s went through.

Undoubtedly some of the girls and some of you are angry about this decision. I appreciate the zero emails and phone calls thus far as our Parent Code of Conduct suggests a 24 hour buffer prior to coach-bashing. I know you all write checks and pay me to take care of this team, and this decision can be looked at as not putting the team first. All I can say is that I will continue to talk to the girls about this this week at training and at the games, think there are valuable lessons to be learned here, and I ask for your support in helping explain things to them. I believe I did the right thing from a bigger picture perspective here, but will be second guessing myself for a long time.

I don't really know how some of you feel about all this, so make sure to connect with me with thoughts if you feel the need. Again, I will talk to the girls about this this week and I apologize that some of them left the field likely feeling confused, hurt, betrayed, etc.

Schedule for the Week
Monday - Optional Training @ McM 7PM - 8:30PM (Note the later starting time from now on at McM)

Tuesday - Game vs Sibley 8:30PM @ Bielenberg (blue/white/blue)

Wednesday - Training @ McM 7PM - 8:30PM

Thursday - Game vs Mahtomedi 5:30PM

See people tomorrow or Tuesday.

Stood in the shower until the hot water ran out, then hit the hay with my iPod and Coldplay.

Skipped breakfast and lunch today with no appetite, and spent the last 5 hours typing down my thoughts.

I've been hesitant to check the local soccer blog. Sure there is a lot of hate being typed.

Prepared to deal with any/all repercussions. It was my call.

Been in contact with some club officials and the mood is not very good. Though I did what I did for the benefit of the club as a whole, I understand how it is damaging. If the club feels the need to distance themselves from my actions for the good of the program, I'll live with it. If I need to face disciplinary actions, I'll live with it. If I need to contemplate stepping down from working with this team, I'll live with it. If it's the parents' wish that I should step down and for the club to place another coach in place, I'll live with it. Maybe it's time for me to step away from youth coaching anyway. It's all getting so wearing. Extremely enjoyable, but wearing.

Just as important to me though are my damaged relationships with some of my girls. I hope time can heal any wounds and those wounds don't run too deep, but I can't be sure. It was for sure one of the lowest points of my youth soccer coaching career.

I plan to address this issue again this week with the girls. We have an optional training session tonight. We'll see how many parents bring their players to training. We have a league game tomorrow, then an official training session on Wed. I'm going to call for a parent meeting on Wed to chat with the group.

I would love to go for a little time travel ride in a DeLorean specially outfitted with a flux capacitor right about now.

Win or Go Home

State Cup Game #4 vs Prior Lake 13s

Last group game today vs Prior Lake's 13s.

We had seen some of these girls this winter in the indoor league in Rosemount. They had a couple athletic girls who could play, but I liked our chances if we played well.

PL, like us, was undefeated thus far, beating PR 12s 2-0, NLS 3-2, and Eagan 3-0. We had won 2-1, 1-0, and 4-0 respectively, leaving them +6 and us +5 for goal differential, so we needed to win outright. A loss or a tie and PL would advance to meet our 13s tomorrow.

Horribly windy day in Lakeland. The only good thing was that unlike the last 4 games we've had at this complex on this field (3 State Cup and 1 league), the wind was not directly favoring one team. Rather, it was more or less blowing straight across the field, slightly favoring the team defending the North goal. I say this was a good thing as an older team with the wind at their backs could negate the higher overall skill that the MTA girls possess.

I opted to play a more attacking 4-3-3 today, looking for our strength up the right flank to cause problems for the PL defenders. I asked Normy to play in goal as I feel she is our strongest GK at this point. The plan was to keep her in their for 1/2 the game, then make a change if needed.

Pre-game talk was all positive like last Sunday, reiterrating the "Leave it Behind" triggers and the importance of positve communication and energy.

Game started well for us. The girls seemed to be clicking, and looked sharp in the attack.

First goal would be huge for us, and it came at the 13 minute mark as Vivi (Point forward) received the ball with her back to goal about 25 yards out from goal on the left center of the field. She took a touch to the center of the field with the right inside of her foot and sent in a far post cross to B-Money (RF). B took a good first touch, beat her marking defender with some quick cuts, and ripped a low, hard near-post shot to give us the goal.

We continued to play some of the best soccer I've seen us play to date, stringing passes together and generally making good decisions.

8 minutes from the halftime whistle, we scored a terrific goal. Vivi (Point) in a similar position on the field as she was in to set up the first goal, again received the ball with her back to goal. This time, she laid the ball inside the field to the path of Em (CM) who was moving forward into some open space. Em continued the left to right ball movement on the field and slipped the ball square to Bargsy (RM), who took two touches and played the ball wide to B-Money (RF). B took a quality touch forward and lasered the ball across the face of the goal, where a PL defender, running back to her goal and caught off guard with the pace of the cross, deflected the ball into her own net. I said above that we scored a terrific goal, and though we didn't get the final touch on the ball, it was some very good ball movement and technique to work up to the goal.

Seemingly costing into the semifinals, but we'd been in this position before - completely dominating a team in the first half only to not play so well in the second.

Same thing happened today to some extent. With the heavy wind slightly favoring PL in the second half, I asked Normy to give me 15 more minutes in goal. If we could get the next goal early in the half, I'd sub her out.

However, PL battled back to make the game close in the 13 minute of the second half. Their speedy right winger tore up the right side on a 40 yard run and sent in a cross to the far post. Meggy (RD) was their to hinder the PL forward, but the ball squirted through her legs on the tackle and the PL forward got off a shot that bobbled under Normy's diving save attempt.

The last part of the half was a bit more frantic than I would have liked it to be, and PL created a great chance to equalize with a few minutes left on the clock, only to have the PL forward's shot from 7 yards out sail wide left.

Good battle in tough conditions. Off to the semis tomorrow against our 13 Blues.