One Tough Week

Tough week on my wife. She didn't like reading some of the online comments attached to the Star Tribune article that came out yesterday.  Didn't phase me though... guess I'm used to the critics.

Jon Tevlin, a columnist for the paper, sent me an email and left me a voice mail that he was planning on writing about the Sunday incident. He had had an irate friend tip him off to the story and thought it would be good news to cover. Some of his fellow reporters at the Trib somehow knew of me and said I was a nice guy, so Jon contacted me to get my take. I have a lot of respect for him reaching out to me as the article could have been a MA-ssacre.

Here is the story.

A moment of truth plays out on soccer field

Star Tribune Article, 5/20/09

It was a fierce battle, played Sunday under searing blue skies in front of scores of proud parents from Woodbury, Edina, Minnetrista and Blaine. But what started as a teen soccer game ended as a kind of morality play in shorts and spikes that has put a coach's job on the line and parents questioning the coach's, and their own, ethical decisions.

The scene: Minnesota Thunder's 12-and-under girls soccer club, playing above their level, fought to a gutsy 1-1 tie through two overtime periods against the favored 13-and-under team from the same club. That set the stage for a dramatic penalty shootout. The winner would go on toward the state cup, and likely, the regional tournament.

The back story: Last year, the team that is now called the Thunder was upset by a younger team that went on to get clobbered in state tournaments.

The coach involved in that game and Sunday's game was the same guy, Mark Abboud. At the time, he vowed not to let it happen again, and even warned parents that in the unlikely event that the 12-year-olds tied the favored team, he'd let the older team move forward. No one objected.

Even the "12s" knew they were supposed to lose. But you know kids. Instead of giving a half-hearted performance, they played like champions for 90 minutes.

That's when what they call a teaching moment happened.

Abboud told his girls that the "classy" thing would be to "roll the ball" nicely to the goalkeeper, virtually ensuring the "better team" moved on. The girls were shocked, but followed orders.

When it was over, they "sobbed so hard they were shaking," according to one parent.

Now, Abboud's actions are being investigated, and some are calling for his job. Others blame themselves for underestimating their kids, teaching them all the wrong lessons and trying to protect them from inevitable, painful tournament losses.

It's Minnesota youth sports' existential moment.

One parent, who requested anonymity, said Abboud is a great coach, "but this was morally wrong. He told them to go against everything they've ever learned about competition and sportsmanship. He might as well have told them to rob a bank."

So who is this heartless coach who denied his feisty team an upset? Probably the most contrite man in Minnesota.

"Within one minute of the game I knew it was a mistake," said Abboud, who played pro soccer in the United States and Europe. "It was an absurdly idiotic decision that at the time I thought was in the best interest of the team. My girls were distraught, my parents were irate."

In his team blog, Abboud wrote that he will never forget watching a star player take a weak kick at the goal and walk off in shame. "The silence was deafening. I felt the sun on my face, brushed a tick off my lower leg, and listened to the highway traffic on I-94," he said. "I felt sick to my stomach.

"I'm actually excited you are doing a story," Abboud said Tuesday. "I won't try to justify anything. I hope if my girls learned anything, it's that everyone is human, everyone makes a mistake. I hope they do not judge me by one act."

Yet, Abboud said if he is reprimanded by the league or fired, he'll understand completely. "Maybe that's a sign I should try something else after 15 years."

The kids, as you might guess, are fine. An optional training Monday night was attended by 13 of 16 members. They had a ball.

While some parents remain angry, others are questioning themselves.

"I told my daughter [Britney] that Mark Abboud didn't put you in this situation, I did," said Loren Monteon, a parent. Getting clobbered by bigger players at state "is not my idea of a fun tournament experience," he said. "Mark made my daughter the athlete she is. If he's not there, she's not going to be there."

On the way to the game, Scott Barlow discussed the possibility of a loss with his daughter, a team star. "I said 'Anna, go out there and ruin their plans.' "

She scored the lone goal and played ferociously. But still, "I'm not sure what Mark did was wrong," Barlow said. "I know as a coach, you make six thousand right decisions and one wrong one. The kids love Mark."

Sports are about winning, certainly, but also about loss. The best don't always win, and sometimes the underdog comes through; there are lessons in that too.

The great moments in sports, and life, don't usually come from the expected. They are about Ali vs. Foreman, Kirby Puckett and "see you tomorrow night." They are about horses named Mine That Bird coming from last to first against 50-1 odds.

Just maybe, they are also about a bunch of 12-year-olds winning the state cup above their level, but now we'll never know.

"I failed my daughter for not thinking this through," said Colleen Heslin. "I had the option to say, 'Mark, let's rethink this.' His intentions were pure and honest, but misguided. As I sat on the bench and watched them play their hearts out, I thought, 'My God, how did I just let this happen?'"

Since Sunday, Heslin said, "I've been thinking, which message is right: Win at all costs, or work toward the better good of the club, or is it even the better good? I don't know. With all these soccer moms and hockey dads, are we too caught up in it, this competition?

"After all," said Heslin. "This is 12-year-old soccer we are talking about."

* * * * *

Many people have told me that in tough times, one's true character is shown. I'm not sure how I feel about that because I'm pretty sure this is a tough time and I'm pretty sure I look like a complete donkey to most people right now.

What I do know however is that when you make a mistake that most call immoral and which has grave repercussions, you find your friends. And I'm not talking acquaintances. I'm talking friends. People who care about you and your well being.

Some friends you've known all along would be there. These are your Category I Friends. Whether your friendship has spanned decades or it has bloomed into some semblance of maturity recently in a surprisingly short amount to time, these friends know exactly how much to say, or not to say. Most of these friends make appearances in your life within the first few days from any given incident, or within a few days of that incident going public. They may offer support, compassion, understanding, or be in brutal disagreement with what you've done, but it all shows they care.

Some friends you're surprised have mysteriously disappeared or have distanced themselves to avoid any guilt by association. These I put in Category II. Maybe they haven't heard about anything yet. That can't be possible. These are the friends that come tip-toeing back into your life, carefully avoiding all the crap from the fan, though it's all hard and no longer poses much of a shoe-dirtying threat. They'll give you the wry grins and the pats on the back, expressing their sympathy and claiming they were thinking about you in your troubled times and thought about calling more than once. Those friends will continue to be friends, but there will always be something missing from your relationship with them now and likely for many years down the road until the somehow prove they are worth of being Category I Friends.

Best of all though are the Category III Friends, the friends you had no idea you had. Their outreach to you is usually very honest and blunt, usually agreeing that you're at fault for something, but expressing words of wisdom and encouragement. Just that they took the time to voice their thoughts to you is amazing. Their interest in reaching out, reaching out during a touchy situation when they have no idea how you'll react to them reaching out, that demonstrate that many people are or have been greatly affected by your actions in the past. It's their support that allow you to realize that your mistake won't define you. Your past work has already done that. Your mistake is a small crack in their perception of you, and your response to your mistake only helps to re-solidify you as a good human being in their eyes. Everyone needs the Category I Friends to help keep them on their feet. It's the Category III Friends that help you start walking forward.

Comments

[3rd party viewer]

i am a 3rd party viewer, not affiliated with any clubs involved with the u13 state cup games.i am a coach. ive been reading articles regarding this "mess" with the game between the two mta teams.seems parents are blaming themselves instead of the coach.the coach should hold full responsibility for what transpires with his team during competition. if parents had for knowledge of the decision, they should of spoke up. my daughter plays soccer, if her coach would of done this, she would no longer be playing with them. yes, this is youth soccer, it should be for the better of the players. adults asking children to throw a game, what kind of message are we sending to the youth of today. somtimes the "better team doesnt always win" thats part of the game. the game itself should render who wins, not a coach, thats what competition is about,if he truly thought his team shouldnt advance why would you even put youre team through somthing like that in the first place.to me it looks like mta wanted the title as a club, so lets field a couple teams to try to take out some competition and if we meet, we will give in to the other team.this sounds like it was premeditated from the begining. just another way adults are thinking of themselves instaed of the youth.kids are pushed hard now adays, compeating 5 days plus a week, adults pounding them with thier mistakes. i like to use the phrase" living vicariously through thier kids for thier own weaknesses ". to many times adult references are given to the youth game, the training, the MENTAL PREPARATION, for the youth game is totaly diferent than the adult game. kids need certain psycological training as well, what i got from reading some of these articles is everything is calming down the players already are starting to forget about it. dont fool yourself, kids wont forget about that.kids are smarter than we adults give them credit for.about the comment" his intentions were pure and honest". that is a all out lie, trying to protect the person at fault. it was cheating pure and simple. you cheated the players by telling them you arent good enough so let the other team win" even though it was tied after regulation" you cheated the other teams in the competition by affecting who will play who, you cheated the older team by giving them an unearned win. cheating is cheating. as adults if you have to do somthing that you well know is wrong and you will have to appologise for it," then you dont do it in the first place".people keep thinking that if they appologise it will be ok. grow up and open youre eyes, thiers to much adult politics in the youth sport areana, decisions are made for the better of the club and coach first, and the players third, the players should be first. take care of players and team needs first. if mta does nothing about it , that to me shows the club as a whole was involved.

[Peter B]

Mark, you've been coaching for probably as long as I have (sixteen years). In my years of coaching, do you think there were a couple of decisions I made along the way that I'd like to take back? Absolutely. They seemed like good ideas at the time, but afterwards I look back and go "what the heck was I thinking?" I always tell my players if you're not making occasional mistakes out there, you're not trying hard enough. Same applies to coaches.

In your years of coaching soccer, you have touched so many young lives in a positive way. I know; my two daughters are living proof. They still remember Thunder camps primarily because of you, and you helped them learn to love the game of soccer.

Hold your head high, my friend. You are one great coach and even better person. Shake it off; move on, and continue to be a great influence with our communities youth.

Peter Bourland